I am a huge fan of the website The Rawness. His approaches to psychological issues – or inner game – are insightful and supremely helpful. I mention this because one of his posts turned me on to a book called Emotional Vampires by Dr. Albert Berstein.
Overview
The book is a quick and great read. It is clearly organized and well-written. However, the most important aspect of the book is his emphasis on practical solutions. Many books on psychology are either too superficial to be of any real use, or are too theory-heavy for any person not versed in psychology to interpret and implement.
The subtitle of the book sums up what sort of people he will be discussing and analyzing – “people who drain you dry.” This is important distinction to focus on people who drive other people up the wall, as opposed to driving themselves up the wall. People who make themselves crazy are usually referred to as having psychoses or neuroses, people who drive others crazy are usually referred to as having “personality disorders.”
People with personality disorders display a wide range of issues. Inability to deal with boredom, excessive adherence to formalized rules, and complete and utter lack of empathy for others, amazing displays of charisma followed by utter depression or reverting to being boring (anybody who read The Game would remember Mystery falling into this category), or simply the inability to handle their own emotions, so they befriend or romance others so they have captive audiences for their emotional rollercoasters.
Regardless, one the most important themes throughout the book is his insistence on explaining why these sorts of people are the way they are. He stresses empathy, because almost always, if they are draining you, it isn’t because of you – it is because of their internal conflicts. In order words, they are targeting you not because of you specifically, but because they need a victim to shore up their faltering psychology – like a vampire feeding on a person in order to slake their thirst for blood. You often see these disorders at full attention when the vampire is subjected to stress – their disorders are there to calm their nerves, even if that means pissing you off to no end. In sum – do not let them get to you.
These disorders often develop in childhood as a reaction to their needs not be met in a timely manner by parental figures.
Before I get into the types of vampires, let’s talk about the common methods that a vampire comes at you in real life. Often times, these sorts of people make a fantastic first-impression; they are charismatic, empathetic and completely focused on you – think a lesser Bill Clinton. They often are great at misdirection, identifying what you want as a person and a creation of an alternate reality in which to get what you want. Warning signs you are being preyed include level of “instant rapport,” departing from social convention, and creating a level of internal confusion in you. Like most of psychology, it isn’t a rote list of behaviors or actions you can check through, you have to develop your sense on this stuff. Remember, they ultimately want to drain you emotionally.
Let’s step through the broad categories of vampires he identifies: anti-social, histrionic, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, and paranoid. Let’s go through anti-social first.
Anti-social personality
This sounds exactly like its name to a 1950’s conservative: sex, drugs and rock and roll. These sorts of people are consumed by drugs, alcohol, sex and partying. The key observation about this disorder is the high insistence on new stimulation, impulsiveness and charm. These sorts of people are usually lovable – at least, superficially. He identifies anti-socials that purely just want thrills, and some that get thrills of dominating and exploiting other people. The purest forms of these people you don’t often encounter in the workplace, as their drug use and partying is prohibitive to holding down a full-time job. You probably knew them in high school and college.
Histrionic
Histronic vampires are supremely superficial. Obsessed with looks, “putting on a good show,” treating acquaintances like close friends, and generally levels of superficiality – obsession with pop culture, others social lives and all manner of nothing important. The author goes out his way to say that it is wrong to assume this is a feminine problem – he claims the 1950’s dads had these sorts of issues. What he gets wrong is that he assumes masculinity was/is a façade. It makes marketing sense for his book, as women would balk being stereotyped as having this disorder.
Like anti-socials, these are addictive disorders – but to approval. Often times, if they are not getting the attention this want, they will become a pill-popper or alcoholics. Not because purely because of the physical thrill, but because of the attention they will come socially.
There are two main categories of Histronic disorder: “ham-it-up” and passive aggressive. To be sure, both are feminine. You probably know men with this disorder – they are often the worst of omega and beta males. “Ham-it-up” love putting on a show and are excellent at creating worlds where they offer themselves up as the prize. They are often wont to use illness and personal tragedy as a theater to showcase themselves.
Passive-aggressive vampires are people who divide their personality into pure, loving and good impulses and everything” negative” into the other. They are completely oblivious to their anger, meanness, etc. A classic example is asking somebody (who is clearly upset) what is wrong. The angry person responds, “Nothing is wrong.” This situation escalates until the vampire accuses the victim of being way too angry. See the transmission? They push their anger onto you, so they don’t have to acknowledge their anger.
Narcissism
Next are narcissistic vampires. You know these types, grandiose, over the top and have a complete lack of regard for others. I have an intimate knowledge of these types, as my mother is one. In their life, there is no stopping; their self esteem rides on everything they do every day. They always have to win. However, these sorts of people become successful politicians (Bill Clinton), invent all sorts of stuff, explore the world, etc. In sum, often time these sorts of people who have made the world. They are often your favorite pro athletes – think Kobe Bryant. A key takeaway is the need for narcissistic supply – they need for your worship and devotion. Once they feel they have yours, you see their true side.
There are two main types of narcissists – I refer to them as internal and external vampires. Internal narcissists are grandiose in their own minds; they don’t have real world accomplishments, not charismatic or anything. They would be some dude coming onto this board boasting of all his lays, while never having so much as whiffed the scent of pussy. The other type of narcissist is an external one. These guys and gals are the real deal. Usually charismatic, intelligent and often rich, these people are successful, socially and professionally. Remember, these sorts of people are their own harshest critics, they just project it onto you, so don’t take it personally.
Obsessive-Compulsive
Next up are obsessive compulsive personality disordered people. These people are usually great workers, very reliable and incredibly predictable. The downside? They have no concept of the idea of “the spirit of the law.” Rigid adherence to rules is their life. These sorts of people seem to be perpetually angry, which is true. Yet, the anger is subconscious. The two types – perfectionists and puritans – think their blind following of the rules will block out their aggressive impulses.
Perfectionists are the usual person you work with who thinks they work harder than everybody. The most annoying part is often they do. You can’t criticize them because they follow company policy to the letter or are the perfect conservative/liberal. They use the rules as a way of bullying, constantly criticizing and downing others. They often rise to middle management and get stuck there. Which means anybody beneath them is subject to their tyranny – they don’t criticize superiors. Puritans are your garden-variety religious or ideological person. They think the world punishes the virtuous and they are on high alert for offenses. Their response to perceived immorality is bullying – suppression of expression, outright cruelty and punishment.
Paranoid
The last is paranoid personality disorder. People who love conspiracy theories, who inordinately love philosophy, politics and intellectualism in general often have this disorder. In their mind, the whole world can be distilled into simple black and white theories. These sorts of people are people who produce bizarre manifestos, they are also the world’s greatest philosophers or intellectuals. Their personal problems manifest in personal relationships. Their inherent mistrust of the world is really their mistrust of themselves.
There are two main categories: visionaries or the jealous. Visionaries are the classic crack-pot theorists. 90% of the time, their ideas are bullshit. However, when they are right, they are right. Paranoid people are very perceptive, however most of the time they see things that simply do not exist. What draws people in is their complete confidence in their ideas. The jealous are people who cannot trust others. Every relationship will eventually become marred with accusations of not really caring about them, talking behind their back, or – if it’s sexual – cheating, running around or not really loving them. Very draining in the long run.
How To Deal With These People
Let’s break down the approaches of dealing with these sorts of vampires, as there are many common themes. First off, you must always be aware when dealing with these people; like I said initially, be wary of instant connections, hypnosis, control and creation of alternate realities. It really means just be self-aware, never be too comfortable. This is good advice in general. Unless you are hanging with your best friends, never let your guard down completely.
Second, you need to understand their personal history. You need to get outside opinions of somebody. If you can, ask a few disinterested people about them. Often times, your wariness will be verified. You need to watch personal actions, not words. While this is obvious advice, it gets forgotten in real life. I myself have found myself transgressing this rule. A common technique that runs through all these disorders is the possession of a silver tongue – they are smooth talkers. Don’t let them get to you; because once they do they will emotionally drain you.
Third, is you have to selective about what you deal with. You can’t fight every conflict with them, you have to be discerning about what you act on. Wait till you know you have them in a spot for you to easily call them out – but be specific about your goal. If you are looking to just score points or vent your frustration at them, you won’t help yourself. You need to be clear about what you want from them. Understand their psychology and approach them in effective ways. For example, with a narcissist, you need to pump their ego up a bit before criticizing them, know what you want from them, and tie your needs into theirs. They don’t care about your needs, but if you let them know they can help themselves by helping you, you may succeed.
Fourth, ignore any and all outbursts where they lose their temper. I would guess unless it is escalating into physicality, the general rule is to ignore tantrums. The moment you give in, they will start draining you. Some specific situations do require intervention, however.
Finally, understand your own personal restrictions or limits. Unless the person is a boss or a coworker, know when it is best to walk away for your own mental health. The closer a person is to you, the more work you might want to do to deal with them; if they aren’t really close, then maybe the best way forward to just bowing out.
In any event, I highly recommend reading this book. It has given me some great practical advice to deal with difficult people – most especially in the workplace. If you haven’t already, you will encounter some real difficult people to handle at your job. Unlike your social circle, where you may be able to keep interactions superficial, if you work a 9-5 with a problem person, you need real tactics to keep yourself grounded. Also, Emotional Vampires is good because it reminds you to not judge them – they are really just fighting themselves. No good comes of judging them or you adopting their personality traits. Often times, these people are great at seduction, climbing the corporate ladder or just fun to hang out with. Be aware of positives as well their limitations and you can successfully navigate the vampiritic waters.
Read Next: Don’t Date Girls With Borderline Personality Disorder
Psychology is all grey. Nothing is black and white, especially when it comes to matters with the brain.
Read that list and can say I possess anti-social, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive and paranoid traits. Also have a silver tongue. And yet… practically everyone I know is a little anti-the-law-and-likes-to-do-drugs (anti-social), thinks-they’re-the-most-important-person-and-rightly-so (narcissistic); some are perfectionists (obsessive-compulsive) and, since 9/11, a hell of a lot of people don’t trust the government (paranoid). So there you go, we’re either all disfunctional, or the classifications are deliberately too broad (so that they can sell some drugs and make money). Hmmmm, no, it couldn’t just be about money, the medical world is there to help us, not get itself rich. We must all indeed be disfunctional beings in need of medication to regulate our personalities.
I agree that psychology is all grey, not black and white.
I also read that list and realizes that, at one time or another, I have exhibited all of these traits. And I am also deeply skeptical of Big Pharma and the motives behind medical diagnoses theses days.
But, these traits listed here are not really presented as specific medical or psychological diagnoses like you would find in the DSM-IV, rather they are broad guidelines to understanding what makes people tick.
I don’t think the author is recommending, or even mentions medication as a solution. Rather, I think the suggestion is that one should learn to identify these traits and learn to observe them objectively, in yourself or others, and understand how they can lead to dysfunctional behavior if allowed to be expressed without awareness. Many of the people who express these traits detrimentally are probably not even aware of what they are doing, or how it affects themselves or others.
I found this article helpful and will probably seek out this book. I think if I can better learn to identify the ways that I act like this, or observe how other people act like this, I can learn to act consciously and avoid expressing these traits in scenarios where it would be to my detriment to do so, rather than unconsciously letting these personality disorders erupt and then having to deal with the potentially negative consequences. Same with observing them in others — if I can spot and identify the disorder as it appears, I can better arm myself to deal with that person.
And frankly, there may be scenarios in which one or more of these “disorders” could be a useful tool, as long as I’m expressing them consciously and aware ahead of time how it’s going to impact the situation and the relationship I’m having with another individual in any given scenario.
“I don’t think the author is recommending, or even mentions medication as a solution.”
Even if he did, it’s doubtful that medication would help solve the problem. Most of these problems are deep-rooted and, dare I say, symptoms of wider societal sickness. At best, medication is a blunt instrument that will only mask the symptoms in the long run. Psychotherapy is what you need to get to the root of the problem, and the success rate with unhealthy narcissists, at best, is low.
About narcissism itself, keep in mind that we’re all narcissistic to some degree. If we weren’t, the we couldn’t respect or take care of ourselves like we ought to be doing. Narcissism ties into self-interest.
There is such a thing as “healthy” narcissism in that it’s a strong sense of self and self-esteem, even greatness. It’s a balance of seeking gratification from others and impulse expression, tempered by maturity and mature goals. Also, in forming strong relationships with others.
Sandy Hotchkiss defined seven “deadly sins” of narcissism thus:
1. shamelessness
2. magical thinking
3. arrogance
4. envy
5. entitlement
6. exploitation
7. bad boundaries
Do any of these sound familiar?
In my earlier training in the field of mental health we had to test each other with a test involving the personality disorder spectrum. All of us could relate to and acknowledge certain personality disorder traits on the spectrum. Either we were all sick puppies which could be true for people working in my profession or everyone exhibits some of those traits in at least lesser degrees. I think its important to remember everything in the field of psychology and psychiatry in regards to diagnosis is on a continuum.
We’re all somehow a little bit crazy aren’t we?
Add Being Judgmental to your list.
At one point or another I think I dabbled in all of these.
Is it just normal, or is obsessiveness about other people and why they annoy us?
I guess no one is perfect, yet I would not say it is an excuse to do nothing about improving yourself either.
Thanks, will now probably buy this and put it on the pile of all the other books I can never seem to read my way through.
As Gene Simmons says “LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO HAVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN DELUSIONAL NOTIONS ABOUT YOURSELF”
I don;t take life advice from a man who wears eye make-up.
take advice from a man who became a millionaire and had sex with thousands of women all from wearing eye makeup then.
…so wacky 70’s bitches fucked a guy in kabuki make-up and platform shoes so I should change how I do things? When I need a guitar played or my ass tongued, I’ll call Gene. Otherwise I’ll fumble along on my own…
Well played, sir.
I coined the term “delusions of grandeur.”
“delusions of adequacy”
-Walter Kerr
Would it really hurt to reread these blog posts before submitting them? Not sure if i’m just more aware of it now but it seems that every second RoK article is riddled with spelling and punctuation errors.
I don’t think it’s expecting too high a standard to demand any article be proofread before submission. It almost always undermines the integrity of the piece when such blatant misspellings appear thoughout.
Sorry for being so pedantic, the article was quite good apart from that, but c’mon, let’s raise the standard around here.
yah… speling und gramma, dats 4 schul teahers…… wee all git da massage….
We at ROK transcend punctuation and grammar. If you don’t like it, go read Ask Men.
Reading us is a privilege, not an entitlement.
Jesus Christ Roosh do you have to be so defensive? I understand this site is provided free and I, like many others here, am eternally grateful for having discovered the manosphere and the enormously beneficial collective wisdom it contains.
But there’s no need to be so defensive and butthurt. I said i liked the article and made a suggestion that i think is reasonable. Like it or not, poorly proofread articles undermine the wisdom contained therein. With so many enemies of this type of material from feminists to liberals to practically the entire mainstream media, i think it’s reasonable to suggest we at least try harder to appear fucking educated and coherent on the topics we write about. An article full of typos just looks like it was written be some angsty teen and the message, even if right and true, gets undermined.
I’ll keep reading this site despite bad spelling because i can see past it and get to the gold underneath. But for fuck’s sake, and i say this as someone who respects your work, you should know better than to react to a reasonable appeal to some fucking standards than with butthurt suggestions like to “go read Ask Men”.
What’s more butthurt? This comment or Roosh’s?
I think the answer is clear.
Lol at your comment. Get off his dick. It’s called constructive criticism.
JT queefed:
“I said i liked the article and made a suggestion that i think is reasonable.”
So. Rich.
But, yeah, I get it. Bad grammar is not unlike farting in public.
you waste your time and emotional energy troubling yourself with things that are of no consequence to you.
“I’ll keep reading this site despite bad spelling because i can see past it and get to the gold underneath.”
Exactly. If spelling bothers you, then this site has little value for you.
You’re now enlightened.
“Next up are obsessive compulsive personality disordered people. These people . . . have no concept of the idea of “the spirit of the law.” Rigid adherence to rules is their life. These sorts of people seem to be perpetually angry, which is true. Yet, the anger is subconscious. The two types – perfectionists and puritans – think their blind following of the rules will block out their aggressive impulses.
Perfectionists . . . use the rules as a way of bullying, constantly criticizing and downing others. They often rise to middle management and get stuck there.”
For some reason I thought that passage was relevant here.
Nothing wrong with constructive criticism, imho, and it’s always good to aspire to be better, and to inspire others to do the same.
But starting a suggestion with “would it really hurt . . .” isn’t really constructive, it’s immediately combative and stages the convo in a manner which displays that you are upset with people you think you are better than. Getting bent out of shape when people don’t take your advice in the manner you think they ought to isn’t inspirational, either.
I think it’s reasonable to suggest that R.O.K. aspire to have fewer copy errors and be more readable. It would have been even more reasonable to volunteer yourself for the task politely — show that you can add value, and would love to contribute constructively in a positive manner yourself, rather than lash out and criticize people who don’t meet your high standards of perfection.
Someone with an eye for detail and the sharp focus of an editor has a useful skill set. Someone who can sell themselves as the right person for the job when they spot a situation needing their skills is a person who can seize opportunity and add value to a situation, creating a win-win scenario.
On the other hand, someone who simply chucks criticism from the sidelines indignantly, and then gets further ruffled when people don’t jump to do things they think ought to be done, in the manner they think ought to be expected — that person does not add value, creates unnecessary friction in order to bolster their own ego, and ultimately will probably let opportunity pass them by while they sit and gripe about it.
That’s a bunch of B.S. Nobody will read poorly edited articles. You want this site to be your income source and influence the world? Hire a goddamn professional editor. Or get one from your fans, there has to be a frustrated English major somewhere. There’s nothing that screams “I’m an idiot trying to look important” than lack of editing.
I dont give a damn about the editing level of the article as long as it contains useful or fun information
Alfa males dont punctuate beta bitches do
“You want this site to be your income source and influence the world? ”
No.
I haf to conkur.
Someone didnt get laid last night ;D
Good post. I know about a lot of this stuff first-hand, having a mother who is histrionic, and a father and brother who are narcissistic. (I also have personality disorders, but they are more of the “Type C” variety such as anxieties, OCD, etc.)
I had a HB9 once who was a really interesting person. She actually was all the things they say in personal ads– beautiful, intelligent, well-read, witty, caring– and also, unfortunately, narcissistic and angry. She was just incredibly into herself and could not cope with the mildest criticism, no matter how politely or constructively expressed. I lasted two months with her.
Yay, let’s psychologize every trait and everything that sticks out from the normal grey guy and leave these people. Just cut every connection to people that show some signs of being narcissists or paranoid, that’s just what the Western World needs.
Political Correctness 2.0 now we control how you need act and react to still have friends and family. Can’t wait until this comes to Sweden, the country where people actually cut their connections with you if you have the wrong opinions.
In the US people will defriend you and/or cut you out of activities due to differing opinions. Its rather weird.
Yes. Especially if your opinion questions the current mainstream dribble coming out of their TVs.
Want to lose friends real quick? Bring up WTC7 or the Sandy Hook autopsies.
Don’t even mention Gene Rosen or it goes nuclear.
LOL
I think another thing to keep in mind is not to let yourself become an emotional vampire, except, perhaps, adopting the better traits of the external narcissist. Part of becoming alpha is controlling, weakening, and eradicating your own emotional baggage.
Ironically, its usually women who read up more on these psych disorders and are ready to label every man on the planet as one thing or another. The thing to keep in mind with these is that everyone displays some of these traits sometimes, sometimes even at pathological levels for brief episodes.
Where it starts becoming a problem, whether its in you or in someone else, is when it becomes a consistent feature of the relationship. In short, if you’re asking yourself more than a few times if there’s a problem, then yes Nancy, there’s probably a problem.
I guess some all of us fit into that role somehow.
Everyone’s crazy to a shrink…
In PUA game theory we talk a lot about frame. Its the spin, or your official story, that you put on a situation in other people’s mind’s. For example, Kanye West is always everywhere screaming from rooftops, “I am the FRESHEST!” Because of his influence, money, etc., he is able to convince a lot of people that this is true.
People with personality disorders are “One-frame ponies” that are masters of the particular frame they specialize in. Most people use different frames or stay neutral when interacting with other people. Because the vampire only uses one frame very well, they make an big impression with strangers, but grate on friends who have seen it a million times.
In dealing with these vampires, the great chink in their armor is you can bring them down by using another frame, twisting their frame back onto them (the hardest to do and most likely to start fights), or using their kind frame better than they do.
Keep the PUA quasi psychology bullshit separate from serious psychology please.
Sorry, but Richard Nixon wasn’t a paranoid. He was clear-eyed and realistic. His fault was an inability to play the word games of the Eastern Liberal Establishment.
If fact, Nixon did a great deal of good for this country, especially in foreign policy. Some of his domestic policies (wage and price controls, for an example) were just plain stupid.
On the whole Nixon’s place in American history will eventually take a spike upwards.
i read a really good book that talks about this. not with such a level of detail however. it teaches you to deal with them appropriately. first, feel no pity for the problems they create for themselves or find themselves in. second, graciously accept their “generosity” loudly enough for the world to hear and feel absolutely no need to give anything back. ignore any tantrums. done right it teaches them that you are not a profitable target and they leave you alone. in the event that they get angry because their efforts bring them no fruit, you may treat them as you wish, but generally the best way is to point out their irrational behavior to them in front of those around you.
Tucker Max seems to be like this with personality disorders. I say this because of the 3 books and articles I’ve read by him. His books include I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Assholes Finish First and Hilarity Ensues which I have read. He wrote other books which I have not. I’ve read his old and new websites at http://www.tuckermax.com and http://www.tuckermax.me as well. There are other books and articles which I have not read by him. You can also google and Wikipedia him as well as look him up in other ways on line.
All these traits describe your typical Emcorpera co-worker.
They inflict this garbage on you by assuming that you cannot just walk away. Most often they engage in a stealth campaign of petty harassment while appearing to be a “team player” in front of the boss, who themselves are duped by the player. It’s definitely a game, and when you play by their rules on their terms you will always be in reactionary mode. For many of them, especially females, it is a source of entertainment.
I am old now and won’t put up with it anymore. Walking away or threatening to, is very powerful in dealing with it. Looking back over my checkered “career” I should have done that whenever confronted with it, because in putting up with the situation means it always gets worse.
The anecdote : Establish your own personal “Zero Tolerance Policy”. Be willing to walk away when the games begin. Tell your employer that life is too short. Hurl the worst insults at them : “When I signed on here I expected to be treated in an adult, professional manner” and “You are a bunch of amateurs”. Then leave. Walk out like a pro.
Or when they try to intimidate you, call their bluff. If they threaten to “find someone else”, walk out. Don’t put up with any crap.
Back it up by having solid marketable skills in your trade. To assume the most powerful edge, bring money into the organization, which allows you to quickly squash these insects.
Zero tolerance. Best idea for dealing with these people.
Their moves to put you in the pecking order for abuse start in a subtle manner to acclimate you like a frog in boiling water. I have had employers start with the threats during “new employee orientation”. Even doctors, after much training and sacrifice, find themselves at the mercy of catty, manipulative nurses. There is probably no industry immune from it, and with the feminization of work the problem has been amplified. At least you have the sanity check of being able to punch a guy in the nose should he take it too far. With female co-workers, you must act like a woman to survive.
An honest, straightforward guy like myself is always blind-sided by their infernal schemes. If you see it developing and don’t make a dramatic counter-move, you will get ensnared in their little game and dance like a puppet for them. Very passive-aggressive and intolerable. Woe to the man who clings to a job for security and endures this for decades.
Establish your personal policy and split if you must. Upside is often when you call them on their BS it can tip the situation in your favor. Having options makes their game impotent.
this recently happened to me, as a senior sales guy in a new company. A 25 year old girl had all of the power in the office, somehow, because the ‘VP’ who ran the office was scared of her for some reason. Anyhow, I lasted all of 8 months. She made my life hell for some reason, I attributed it to her cleft palate. She convinced the powers at be to can me, because the accounts I was given, the SHE managed, all went to shit. I call it Lord of the Fly’s, literally the most unimpressive, immature and ridiculous people I have ever worked with. Anyhow, as a result, I have started my own company and have already won business and have money coming in. I think I will be ok. And I am using this experience to be an entrepreneur, and never ever have to put up with neurotics ever again, unless they are clients of course…
Great source of information. I’ve written a complete list of personality disorders. I think it can be helpful for your readers too. If you are interested, you can visit my article at http://psychlens.com/personality-disorder/. Thanks again for this post.